Why Can't I Have Him?
by Savhannah Daniels
Summary: All I want is love. But loving him means getting hurt. I'd risk my life just to show him I love him. BerryXBirch
1. Chapter 1

**Birchfall's POV**

I wanted him. I loved him. But he just couldn't see that. He is the only one I want but I can't have him. Why? Because it's so wrong? Because no one else will understand? Because I just cant have his heart? I have wanted him for moons but _she_ had him wrapped around her claw. _She _stole him from me, she _knew _I liked him.

_How?_ I don't know. But even though she is gone he still lingers for her, talks about that disgusting excuse for a she-cat, like she was the love of his life. I want to cry in front of him and explain the things she kept hidden from him, and the lies she could tell him with a straight face. But I always bit back my tears and snide comments of the she-cat. But now it's just too unbearable to keep in, I have to tell him soon….

I walked with him in the forest as dawn approached, our pelts brushing.

"What did you want to talk about Birchfall?" Berrynose asked me quietly.

We both paused as I tried to find the words to tell him.

"Well, I know you loved her Berrynose and I am greatly sorry that you lost her, but don't you think you should move on?" I tried to tell him the truth, to tell him everything that wretched she-cat put him through but I couldn't get my self to spit the words out.

I wouldn't be able to take the look of pain that would sit on his face after the truth came out. I couldn't bring myself to make him hurt that much and even worse I couldn't live knowing _I_ was the one that made him so sad. I think it might just be better if I kept the words of disgrace to myself. Well at least until I know we can make it through that together.

"Well I…. I just don't know, I don't think I could love again. And even if I could I don't think anyone in the clan likes me."

I was brought back to reality as he spoke, and then stunned by his words. And in disbelief I said. "How could you think that no one in the clan would like you?"

He laughed quietly, and then answered. "Well I don't know if you've noticed but I don't have the best temper in the clan. Most of the time they are yelling at me to get out of their fur or telling me to just keep my mouth shut."

I thought to myself a bit. Yes he does have a temper, but he does it just to hide the pain and sadness buried and hiding deep inside of him. I wanted to be the cat that he could always come to with his troubles and know that no matter what I will always love him for who he is. Then I spoke,

"Well I don't think you're to bad tempered, it's just your personality. And any cat who wouldn't want you as their mate doesn't know what they are talking about. I bet there is at least one cat in the clan who likes you." Once I stated the last part I really hoped that he hadn't gotten a clue of how I felt about him. But as I looked up at him he tilted his head and I saw curiosity flicker in his eyes as he asked me his next question.

"Really? How would you know that? And does someone in that clan actually like me?" His eyes glinted with hummer as he suddenly dashed off before I could even answer his questions

"Wait!" I screamed as I followed the cream furred warrior through bracken and bramble bushes. As I crashed through them without stopping, just trying to track his scent, I could feel the thorns digging into my side and ripping through my pelt. I better not come out of this with out any fur. I thought to myself. Well since it's for him its okay. I suddenly came into a clearing and paused. I sniffed the air trying to catch his scent some where but I ended up with no luck.

I looked around the clearing and waited for the warrior to come out, but he didn't show up.

"Berrynose! Where are you?" I yelled I listened for a few moments and when he didn't show up I yelled again

"Berrynose! This isn't funny, if your hiding please come out!" I continued waiting and listening and sniffing, but he didn't show up. I ran straight forward through more bracken bushes. And paused when I found his body, laying against a maple tree, blood oozing from his flank and deep scratches that lingered all over his body. I rushed over and licked his cheek

"Berrynose, are can you hear me?" I asked but he was unconscious. I grabbed him by the scruff and dragged his limp body back to camp. His breathing shallow.

As I entered the camp Brambleclaw and Jayfeather rushed over and in unison asked "what happened to him?"

I looked up at them slightly so they wouldn't be able to see the tears that had begun to swell up in my eyes. "I don't know." I answered in just above a whisper so that my voice wouldn't crack. I did this too him. I thought to myself. If I hadn't tried to talk to him about _any_ of this. _He would be okay. Please let him be okay! I silently begged StarClan, as I headed to the warriors den, because I had no strength to do anything else._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Birchfall's POV**

Two moons have passed since the accident had passed with Berrynose. Every day I tried to talk to him. To ask him what had happened that dreadful day, but with each chance came a cold shoulder or a glare. I was beginning to think that anything that he felt for me that day was gone. It vanished. But I still wanted him.

I wanted what I knew I couldn't have. So tonight I knew I had to do something, I had to get him to tell me what happened and why he won't even think twice about talking to dusk fell and all of the cats went to their dens, I padded out silently because I knew he was on watch to night. As I padded closer I saw his cream colored pelt sparkle under the silver moon light. It made me want to go over there and snuggle with him and never leave his side.

I noticed that as I got closer he backed away into the darkness of the shadows that came from the bramble entrance. His eyes grew huge with fear, as he scrambled away. I stopped just a few feet in front of him realizing that he couldn't go back much farther.

"What's wrong Berrynose? I am not gonna do anything to you I just want to talk." He hissed violently but quietly so that I was the only one who could hear him.

" You! I hate you and I will never like you! Its wrong and it's a disgrace to the clan. Don't you see what everyone will think of you if you keep trying to pad after me?" I looked at him stunned.

So he did know. Hadn't he remembered anything? Or at least any of the good that had come of that day?

My heart suddenly felt like it had been sliced open, and that what he was saying was just making the pain unbearable. I had to get out of there, and now. I tried to hide my tears by putting my head down and running out, but I know he saw the tears that had fallen at his paws as I ran out.

**Berrynose's POV**

I sat there in the night hoping he didn't come out, hoping he wouldn't try to talk to me. It would be too much to turn him down and see the hurt in his eyes. It would break my heart to turn him down. I did love him but I couldn't afford to let her hurt me again, if I tried to love him. And I also wouldn't take the chances of her some how getting to him.

Why hadn't I seen the hostility between these two sooner? I asked myself as a shadow appeared out of the warriors den. I prayed that it wasn't him. But as the cat got closer I froze with fear and I did the only thing that I knew would keep him away from me. I backed up as he kept walking and began to hiss and spat at him finally when I was just inches from the bracken entrance. He paused and spoke as I kept hissing.

"What's wrong Berrynose? I am not gonna do anything to you I just want to talk." I did the unbearable, and spat.

"You! I hate you and I will never like you! Its wrong and it's a disgrace to the clan. Don't you see what everyone will think of you if you keep trying to pad after me?"

It broke my heart, and I thought of that day, where I almost told him how I truly felt about him and I almost broke down then and there as I saw agony and sorrow take over his amber gaze.

All of the sudden he looked down and cringed the next thing I knew he was gone. But I noticed the tears that he had tried so hard not to show me, laying basically at my paws as I stood up to try and stop him before he left.

**Birchfall's POV**

As I ran through the forest I stumbled over rocks and branches as the tears that stung my eyes just kept coming. What was I thinking? I should never have even thought that he would like me that way. I mean I guess that should have been obvious by how he chose Honeyfern over me if he had any idea back then. I sat alone in the dark just staring at nothing, I guess just wondering if anything or anyone would come. Nothing, just silence was all that had come with me. I thought about going back to camp as I began to get drowsy.

But decided it was best to stay away. I don't think I could handle seeing him right now or any of my clan mates right now. So I curled up in a ball and soon drifted off to sleep as a slight breeze ruffled my fur.

I awoke in darkness I looked around thinking I could still just be in the forest but my mind quickly changed as a sudden breeze came through and I recognized the scent of the cat that came with it. _Honeyfern_.

I heard paws lightly padding on the floor but I couldn't tell where they were coming from until there she stood right in front of my face. I let out a furious hiss and batted at her with unsheathed claws. But she laughed as I cut right through her.

She walked around me in a circle just staring me down and then she slid her tail under my chin and purred.

"Birchfall, you know nothing of the cats that have died do you? You can try all you want to hurt me but it wont happen because am already dead. But you however." She paused as she unsheathed her claws.

"Are still very alive and now trying to steal my Berrynose from me. And I am just going to have to teach you a lesson." She lashed out at me to quickly for me to dodge, and she snagged my shoulder. Blood began flow out of my wound in what felt like waves, I began to feel the burning and I let out a screech of pain. She laughed again her voice full of malice.

"You think that's bad? Wait for this…" she turned her head and yelled.

"Tigerstar! he is ready for you." All of the sudden a large brown tabby appeared and he looked like Brambleclaw's twin.

Wait that must have been his father. He charged at me and as I tried to run away he crashed into me and sent me flying, as I hit the ground my breath was knocked from me. He was at my side in an instant, and jabbed me side with his unusually long claws, and he racked them down my side. Unable to move I wailed as pain flooded over me.

I am dead; I thought he is going to finish me off.

"Stop!" she yelled suddenly.

"I don't want him dead. Yet." I sat up barely unable to keep myself there and spat in her face as she approached me.

"So you cant even fight your own battles, you have cats fight them for you." I tried to go on but I still hadn't gained back all of my breath.

"Oh I can fight them myself I just don't want to get my paws dirty. And I can still get what I want. If you noticed how Berrynose treated you earlier, that was all me." I blinked, so he didn't hate me, he had a reason for keeping me away.

"And if you go near him again, he will pay the price. Just because I know how much you want him. I will make it so you just can't have him." I woke with the sun in my eyes and as I stood I felt pain tremble through my body, I looked over at the wounds that were still gushing blood, and I heard her last warning go through my head.

"And if you go near him again, he will pay the price. Just because I know how much you want him. I will make it so you just can't have him."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**  
**Birchfall's POV**  
I walked through the bramble entrance limping. I avoided the curious stares of my clan mates and the sorrowful look from Berrynose as he peered out of the warriors den. I went straight to Jayfeather, I needed to get my wounds checked out and see about Tigerstar, I didn't feel that I should mention Honeyfern to him just yet.  
"What happened to you did ShadowCl-" He paused mid sentence as I limped forward.  
"W-Why do I smell Tigerstar on you?" I thought for a minute then decided against asking, remembering he was the medicine cat and already had a connection with StarClan cats.  
"Uh, he was the one who did this to me." I wanted to tell him who hurt Berrynose but thought it would be better not too. All I really knew at this point was that I had to put a stop to Tigerstar and Honeyfern, and I needed Jayfeather to help.  
Approaching Jayfeather I felt the weakness overcome me and I collapsed to the ground. Jayfeather lingered over me and pulled me into his den. I could feel the pain as me started mending my wounds, but I looked out the den entrance to see Berrynose looking in with sorrow in his eyes.

He knew what had happened to me. He looked away and padded away from the medicine cat's den. I could feel Jayfeather working at my wounds, but I could no longer feel the pain of the wounds. The only pain I felt was that of my broken heart. Before I knew it I opened my mouth and spoke to Jayfeather.

"Jayfeather, I need your help." I said in a cracked voice. Jayfeather stopped working with my wounds and looked at me oddly.

"That's exactly what I'm doing Birchfall. These wounds won't tend to themselves." He meowed lightly as he went back to mending my wounds.

"That's not what I meant. I need your help with something else" I said in a more serious tone.

Jayfeather continued to mend wounds. When I said quiet he spoke. "I'm all ears, Birchfall. Speak of what else you need my help with."

"I need you to consult with StarClan about Honeyfern." I said with a little hiss at the end because I despised Honeyfern for everything.

Jayfeather stopped working with my wounds and sat there looking at me. "Whatever for?" he said with a suspicious tone.

"Because Tigerstar wasn't the only one to injure me" I bit back a hiss as I said the name, "Honeyfern also was there to hurt me."

Jayfeather looked at me with a stern look. "That's a very serious accusation of the dead" he hissed. "You better not be lying or StarClan may punish you for a false accusation."

"What I speak of is the truth, Jayfeather." I meowed quietly. "Even ask StarClan. They are the only ones who are keeping me alive and kept me alive through the night after Honeyfern and Tigerstar attacked me."

Jayfeather narrowed his eyes and went back to tending to my wounds. He was quiet the rest of the time as he finished my wounds and gave me something for the pain.

"Now rest. No more of this talk about Honeyfern and Tigerstar until tomorrow." He said as he padded off to the entrance of his den.

"Where are you going?" I asked worriedly.

"Moonlight's kit is very ill and in need of my help. You must rest while I go help her kit." He said turning away. He then stopped, "But my apprentice Quiverpaw will be in here shortly."

As Jayfeather walked out I laid there waiting for Quiverpaw to come, but soon my eyes grew heavy and I grew drowsy. At last I closed my eyes and drifted off into my dreams and hopes. I knew StarClan would help me and tell Jayfeather the truth. At least I hoped they would because Jayfeather was the only one I could rely on for help. I finally put my mind to rest and drifted off into a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Berrynose's POV**

I laid there in the warriors den becoming increasingly worried about Birchfall. Soon I heard a commotion outside. I poked my head out the den looking around and there walking in through the camp entrance was Birchfall. He was badly injured and in need of help.

Birchfall looked up at me with a pained expression on his face. I looked at him sorrowfully for I knew what had happened to him. Honeyfern and Tigerstar had gotten ahold of him. He walked up to Jayfeather and they began to talk. They were too far away for me to hear anything, but then Birchfall collasped to the ground.

Jayfeather grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled Birchfall into his den. I bounded over there and peered in. Birchfall looked up at me with a sad and pained expression. I looked at him sorrowfully and looked away and padded off. He knew that I knew what had happened. I looked over at the elders as they slept under the fallen tree. I then padded over to the nursery to find Moonlight.

I peered into the nursery and there laying down was Moonlight with a worried look on her face. I quietly padded in and lightly nudged her. She looked up at me, smiled a weak smile, and turned back to looking down at her kits.

"What's wrong Moonlight?" I asked worriedly.

"Silverkit is ill and I'm worried about her. I thought she wasn't gonna make it through the night, but she managed to." She said still looking at the weak and ill kit.

"StarClan is watching over her. They will keep her alive and if she does manage to live, then there is a meaning for her in the future" I said trying to sooth her.

She looked up at me and smiled happily. I could see I had helped her with her problem, now it was up to me to ask her about mine.

"Moonlight, can I ask you for some advice?" She looked up at me and nodded.

"Of course you can. You can always ask me for anything, after all you were the one who helped me when I had my kits and no one else was around to help" She said with another smile.

Before I could ask her, Jayfeather came padding in. "Ok, now lets see what is wrong with Silverkit" he said as he walked passed me. He paused, looked at me, and then nodded. "Hello Berrynose, how have you been?"

I forced a smile and looked at him. "I'm doing just fine, Jayfeather." I looked away from him, then looked back up. "How is Birchfall doing?"

Jayfeather looked at me with a slight frown. "He is very badly injured, but I know I can help him. He will be down for a while, so Quiverpaw will help me tend to him, but he should be back on his own feet in no time."

I nodded my head happily and turned to Moonlight.

"Now what was it that you wanted to ask me, Berrynose?" Asked Moonlight.

Jayfeather looked at me and then went back to looking at Silverkit. "Oh, it was nothing important. I will talk to you about it later" I said as I turned towards the nursery entrance and padded out. I would have to talk to Moonlight about it later when Jayfeather wasn't around, but he was bound to know about it sooner or later.

**Birchfall's POV**

I began to wrestle around for instead of a happy dream I was having a nightmare. Honeyfern was in the dream lingering over Berrynose smiling at his lifeless body that bled out. I hissed and charged at her with all my strength. I slammed my head into her side and she let out a yowl of pain as she collapsed to the ground.

Tigerstar was soon on my back digging his claws into my pelt. I hissed and yowled trying to get him off me. He jumped off and clawed me across the face, the blow threw me far and I landed on my side. Tigerstar smiled at me and laughed.

I woke with a start as I looked around and remembered I was in the medicine den, dream hung clearly in my mind. I was saddened that it was not reality because in that dream I was actually able to cause some damage. Quiverpaw walked up to me and set some poppy seeds at my paws and said, "Take these and rest your muscles some more, I'm going to put more poultice on your flank, it looks like the begining of an infection."

I lapped them up, still tired and rested my head on my paws, I didn't even have a chance to say another word before I feel back into sleep.


End file.
